Goodbye Jackson

And so it is official. Im through with you even though im not through with you. I am free from you even though I didnt know i was in bondage. i love you. i always will. but i am ready to love someone new. goodbye.

Above the Horizon

I just spent a little over twenty four hours with my parents. They are wonderful, godly people... but oh so uptight. And it got me to thinking about all the stuff that makes me who I am. For example, what if I resolved from my heart to be more positive? How will I pull it off? Psalm 121 comes to mind. My help doesnt come from the same source as the world around me. My help comes from the Lord. I dont know just how we are going to get through the next phase of our lives. But Lord, Ive known you all my life. And you have never failed me. And when I think about the New Jerusalem, I know that the end of all of this is amazing. So even if my life goes up in flames, Im going up to You. Youve got this. So I dont need to be afraid. My life is not in the next step. My life is in You. And now that ive had this moment, i know that all hell is going to break loose. Will you shield me? Because hell sucks. And I dont think I can take any more. Please Lord, bless my life. Please God, dont let me go. Shine on me with the smile of your favor. Because all i really want to be is happy. and happiness is found in You. So I know life has its ups and downs. But Kimberly and I could sure use some ups. Please Lord. My eyes are fixed above the horizon.

When You Bump Into Demons In the Valley of the Shadow

So here I am in the Valley of the Shadow, I know that all I need to do is reach out into the darkness to touch Your hand. But I must admit, my heart is still pounding in my ribcage and I'm afraid it's going to burst. Do I trust You? Sure. I do. The light on the horizon is filtered and dirty and more gray than sunshine-yellow. But I keep pressing toward it, because there is no alternative and I am choosing to live by Your word that You would go with me. And I need You more than ever now because the darkness is scaring my kids, disturbing my wife, and testing the faith of everyone who loves and cares about me... and even some people who can't even stand me. It's day by day, moment by moment, squeezing your hand until my hand hurts. I don't know when this valley will end. I do not even know for sure that I will survive all this. But I do know I will follow You all the way to the devil's doorstep and I will never look back. I just hope there is a happy ending someday on this side of the River. Until then I'm here with you, walking through the Valley of the Shadow... bumping into the most hideous demons I have ever faced... trusting You. I trust You.

To Live Another Day

My current situation is not just. I don't care how objective you may be, there are good guys and there are bad guys in this one. And for right now, the bad guys appear to be winning. I will likely never forget as I trust God to help me forgive. But for now the barbarians are setting the terms... the walls around my castle are now crumbled around my feet... and so it's now a matter of dealing with reality and living out what it means to be faithful when I'm pretty sure no squadron of angels is at the ready to make everything right. I swallow my pride and just make the turn-on-a-dime move from half a lifetime of ministry to one of punching a clock. Everything in me is screaming, "This is baloney!" But then there's another voice that whispers, "But what does God want?" And I wonder if God has not taken people's perverted sense of leadership and used it for His own purposes to violently shift my life toward something else He wants me to do... something I cannot even perceive or imagine right now. God will take care of justice... He will see me through... I do trust Him. I think it is human to look for some skulls to crack, but I submit that to His Lordship. I will do what it takes for my family and me to survive... to get through... so that we might live another day... just hoping and praying that in all of this there is a happy ending before heaven.

Chicken with a Brick Wall

So here I am still waiting. I am striving to be faithful, to demonstrate the trust in God I have talked so much about. But rising over the horizon of my future is this brick wall... a decision-point for my life. And I am not kidding. This one matters. Turn left, and I have made a major decision. Turn right, and things are just as uncertain as they have been for several weeks. My Bible tells me to live out my faith... Hebrews 3:6 has a big IF in the middle of it.... IF I hold on, I will be blessed. I want to be blessed. So there will be no IF about it... I will serve Jesus no matter which way we end up turning.

The Darkness in Me

Whenever I'm near you, I am attracted and repulsed at the same time. Your beauty makes me want to know you more, to fall deeper into You. But the way you look back at me, the way you seem to peer right through every layer of my carefully constructed facade to the darkness within me. You see my sin. You see the fallenness that so terribly sullies the image of God in me. I am so dirty I really cannot understand why you would have any time for me. I'd say it was your goodness makes my evil stand out, but we both know I really was that worthy of hell.
I know that you love me, and that you mean to white out every shadow in my soul. And I know you have already changed my life in ways noone else ever could. But then the flashlight of your gaze burns through my pupils and I am forced to admit I am nothing resembling holy at all. I think I have come far, but it seems that you are never satisfied. You probe deeper and deeper and draw me closer and closer and it is painful each and every time you do.
So I can see my own darkness. It is my own. And it is revealed in my own deep-down reaction to the direction you are leading me. So I am asking you please... lead me through all the way to you. If it stings, so be it. Just lead me. Because I cannot do it. You can. You are light. I am darkness. And any good in me? It's all you. And I would rather be in agony and near you... than comfortable in the darkness.

Faith is a Choice

Right about now, I'm looking long and hard at my friends who lean so heavily on their belief in the irresistable will of God. This is because the last few days have found me in a borderline state when it comes to faith. And my attitude during this time has been horrendous. During worship today I just stood there. It's not the first time I haven't sung along. Many times I am consciously saving my voice for speaking or just enjoying the atmosphere of the service. But I know that my heart was not right today. The invisible walls I put up around myself all but dared the Holy Spirit to break through my force field. I was wrong. It was a sinful attitude. I want to begin to repent of it. I am so grateful for this morning's message by Dr. Nina Gunter. The Lord just used her today to just take a laser beam right through my stony heart. And while I don't remember everything she said, what she said about the effect being 100% sold out to Jesus should have on our attitudes got my attention. Hip-hop artist/worship leader James Fortune would say "you do not have the right to remain silent." I had to go apologize to my wife for being a drag on her spirit. I had to go to the Lord and seek His forgiveness as well. And there was something else Dr. Gunter said today that pierced me right through. It's what the Holy Spirit does through a preacher really. But she said on behalf of the 100% sold out Christian, "You choose the place of ministry you have for me in Your Kingdom." Ouch. What am I supposed to do with that? Are there districts I haven't applied to yet but am supposed to? Is there something I am not seeing? Have I just settled on the idea that Jackson is the end of the line? Have I gotten ahead of God?
What I am coming to understand is that faith is a choice. There are no Holy Zombies... people forceably possessed by the Holy Spirit and thus forced to believe. Either you believe or you don't. Either I will trust the Lord or I won't. And I am well aware how disgusted God is by unbelief. But He's not going to wink at defiant doubt. The person going through the Valley of the Shadow of Death doesn't get a free pass on taking God at His Word. Mountaintop or valley, faith is required of the child of God. It is a conscious thing. And it feels right now like a lot of work. I feel like I have gained the dialect of this sin-darkened world. Doubt feels much more natural than belief. That may be why I almost hourly have to remind myself that I do, indeed, trust God... even though I don't feel a thing. And so I cry with the Scriptural refrain, "help my unbelief..." I desperately need Him to.