Right about now, I'm looking long and hard at my friends who lean so heavily on their belief in the irresistable will of God. This is because the last few days have found me in a borderline state when it comes to faith. And my attitude during this time has been horrendous. During worship today I just stood there. It's not the first time I haven't sung along. Many times I am consciously saving my voice for speaking or just enjoying the atmosphere of the service. But I know that my heart was not right today. The invisible walls I put up around myself all but dared the Holy Spirit to break through my force field. I was wrong. It was a sinful attitude. I want to begin to repent of it. I am so grateful for this morning's message by Dr. Nina Gunter. The Lord just used her today to just take a laser beam right through my stony heart. And while I don't remember everything she said, what she said about the effect being 100% sold out to Jesus should have on our attitudes got my attention. Hip-hop artist/worship leader James Fortune would say "you do not have the right to remain silent." I had to go apologize to my wife for being a drag on her spirit. I had to go to the Lord and seek His forgiveness as well. And there was something else Dr. Gunter said today that pierced me right through. It's what the Holy Spirit does through a preacher really. But she said on behalf of the 100% sold out Christian, "You choose the place of ministry you have for me in Your Kingdom." Ouch. What am I supposed to do with that? Are there districts I haven't applied to yet but am supposed to? Is there something I am not seeing? Have I just settled on the idea that Jackson is the end of the line? Have I gotten ahead of God?
What I am coming to understand is that faith is a choice. There are no Holy Zombies... people forceably possessed by the Holy Spirit and thus forced to believe. Either you believe or you don't. Either I will trust the Lord or I won't. And I am well aware how disgusted God is by unbelief. But He's not going to wink at defiant doubt. The person going through the Valley of the Shadow of Death doesn't get a free pass on taking God at His Word. Mountaintop or valley, faith is required of the child of God. It is a conscious thing. And it feels right now like a lot of work. I feel like I have gained the dialect of this sin-darkened world. Doubt feels much more natural than belief. That may be why I almost hourly have to remind myself that I do, indeed, trust God... even though I don't feel a thing. And so I cry with the Scriptural refrain, "help my unbelief..." I desperately need Him to.
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