Whenever I'm near you, I am attracted and repulsed at the same time. Your beauty makes me want to know you more, to fall deeper into You. But the way you look back at me, the way you seem to peer right through every layer of my carefully constructed facade to the darkness within me. You see my sin. You see the fallenness that so terribly sullies the image of God in me. I am so dirty I really cannot understand why you would have any time for me. I'd say it was your goodness makes my evil stand out, but we both know I really was that worthy of hell.
I know that you love me, and that you mean to white out every shadow in my soul. And I know you have already changed my life in ways noone else ever could. But then the flashlight of your gaze burns through my pupils and I am forced to admit I am nothing resembling holy at all. I think I have come far, but it seems that you are never satisfied. You probe deeper and deeper and draw me closer and closer and it is painful each and every time you do.
So I can see my own darkness. It is my own. And it is revealed in my own deep-down reaction to the direction you are leading me. So I am asking you please... lead me through all the way to you. If it stings, so be it. Just lead me. Because I cannot do it. You can. You are light. I am darkness. And any good in me? It's all you. And I would rather be in agony and near you... than comfortable in the darkness.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Faith is a Choice
Right about now, I'm looking long and hard at my friends who lean so heavily on their belief in the irresistable will of God. This is because the last few days have found me in a borderline state when it comes to faith. And my attitude during this time has been horrendous. During worship today I just stood there. It's not the first time I haven't sung along. Many times I am consciously saving my voice for speaking or just enjoying the atmosphere of the service. But I know that my heart was not right today. The invisible walls I put up around myself all but dared the Holy Spirit to break through my force field. I was wrong. It was a sinful attitude. I want to begin to repent of it. I am so grateful for this morning's message by Dr. Nina Gunter. The Lord just used her today to just take a laser beam right through my stony heart. And while I don't remember everything she said, what she said about the effect being 100% sold out to Jesus should have on our attitudes got my attention. Hip-hop artist/worship leader James Fortune would say "you do not have the right to remain silent." I had to go apologize to my wife for being a drag on her spirit. I had to go to the Lord and seek His forgiveness as well. And there was something else Dr. Gunter said today that pierced me right through. It's what the Holy Spirit does through a preacher really. But she said on behalf of the 100% sold out Christian, "You choose the place of ministry you have for me in Your Kingdom." Ouch. What am I supposed to do with that? Are there districts I haven't applied to yet but am supposed to? Is there something I am not seeing? Have I just settled on the idea that Jackson is the end of the line? Have I gotten ahead of God?
What I am coming to understand is that faith is a choice. There are no Holy Zombies... people forceably possessed by the Holy Spirit and thus forced to believe. Either you believe or you don't. Either I will trust the Lord or I won't. And I am well aware how disgusted God is by unbelief. But He's not going to wink at defiant doubt. The person going through the Valley of the Shadow of Death doesn't get a free pass on taking God at His Word. Mountaintop or valley, faith is required of the child of God. It is a conscious thing. And it feels right now like a lot of work. I feel like I have gained the dialect of this sin-darkened world. Doubt feels much more natural than belief. That may be why I almost hourly have to remind myself that I do, indeed, trust God... even though I don't feel a thing. And so I cry with the Scriptural refrain, "help my unbelief..." I desperately need Him to.
What I am coming to understand is that faith is a choice. There are no Holy Zombies... people forceably possessed by the Holy Spirit and thus forced to believe. Either you believe or you don't. Either I will trust the Lord or I won't. And I am well aware how disgusted God is by unbelief. But He's not going to wink at defiant doubt. The person going through the Valley of the Shadow of Death doesn't get a free pass on taking God at His Word. Mountaintop or valley, faith is required of the child of God. It is a conscious thing. And it feels right now like a lot of work. I feel like I have gained the dialect of this sin-darkened world. Doubt feels much more natural than belief. That may be why I almost hourly have to remind myself that I do, indeed, trust God... even though I don't feel a thing. And so I cry with the Scriptural refrain, "help my unbelief..." I desperately need Him to.
Friday, July 8, 2011
The Sugar of Years
Recently a friend of mine passed away. Sad news. It pierced my heart. What's odd (I don't know if it's odd actually) is that I hadn't seen this person in 24 years. I hadn't talked to her or even connected with her on Facebook. I contact everybody on Facebook. She didn't have a Facebook account. She was dying of cancer. More recently a teacher from our high school years posted a bunch of pictures of my friend and I and a group of our friends from our graduating class. Subsequently I have reconnected with another classmate from those pictures and it's like old home week. The number of people in those pictures without Facebook accounts has shrunken rapidly (I'm lookin' at you Matt and Doug and Carol and Tara...).
When I look at those pictures and talk to my new/old friend and think about the one who just passed away, it is a warm feeling. I really did enjoy my high school friends. And it is a joy to reconnect with so many of them on Facebook. I remember the various personalities and how my relationship with various ones was way back in the good ol' 80's. And it is interesting to think about how my relationship with each is now. Some are just the same as always, both good and bad. Some have come into relationship with Jesus, praise the Lord. But when I left Perry County, I barely looked back. And the 24-year gap between me and my deceased friend is pretty common for the whole class of 1987. So, as in any reflection done from this distance of years, nothing was as bad or as good back then as it appears from now. The guys were somewhat as cool, the gals somewhat as pretty, but there was nuance all the way through. For example, the great majority of my gang of friends did not share my love of Jesus. And most of them had different attitudes toward alchohol and sexual more's. We saw each other in class, in the hall, at ball games, at parties, but there was a deep, dark line when it came to faith and morals. I really was close to them, "loved" them. And there were some I was closer to than others. But there is sugar in the years. The ones I was tight with? The best. The jerks and arrogant divas? Not so bad. But the best thing about the 24-year gap? I am no longer 18. I am no longer a teenager with hormones racing through my body, clouding my judgment about all of those relationships. Nah. I'm 42. And if we were in that same calculus class today? Things would be totally different. Of course they would.
When I look at those pictures and talk to my new/old friend and think about the one who just passed away, it is a warm feeling. I really did enjoy my high school friends. And it is a joy to reconnect with so many of them on Facebook. I remember the various personalities and how my relationship with various ones was way back in the good ol' 80's. And it is interesting to think about how my relationship with each is now. Some are just the same as always, both good and bad. Some have come into relationship with Jesus, praise the Lord. But when I left Perry County, I barely looked back. And the 24-year gap between me and my deceased friend is pretty common for the whole class of 1987. So, as in any reflection done from this distance of years, nothing was as bad or as good back then as it appears from now. The guys were somewhat as cool, the gals somewhat as pretty, but there was nuance all the way through. For example, the great majority of my gang of friends did not share my love of Jesus. And most of them had different attitudes toward alchohol and sexual more's. We saw each other in class, in the hall, at ball games, at parties, but there was a deep, dark line when it came to faith and morals. I really was close to them, "loved" them. And there were some I was closer to than others. But there is sugar in the years. The ones I was tight with? The best. The jerks and arrogant divas? Not so bad. But the best thing about the 24-year gap? I am no longer 18. I am no longer a teenager with hormones racing through my body, clouding my judgment about all of those relationships. Nah. I'm 42. And if we were in that same calculus class today? Things would be totally different. Of course they would.
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