Prayer

Lord this bitterness at the pit of my soul is not of You. The scar left behind by my experience is infected by sinful thoughts and unChristlike responses. No amount of kind words or knowing glances can take the sting away from how I am feeling. I did not choose what has happened to me. I did not cause it. It is not my fault. But my response is my choice. Only by the power of the Holy Spirit am I even capable of choosing what is right. On my own I am crippled spiritually and corrupt emotionally. I am nothing without You. I can do nothing without You. I cannot preach without You. I cannot even breathe without You. The proteins that cause the synapses in my brain to fire to think about how to make my fingers move across this keyboard are your creation. I am not original. I am only what You have made me. As of a little bit ago I was comfortable in my misery. I was relaxed in my state of numbness and outrage. But then You had to allow a bit of hope and charity to pierce my perfectly constructed bubble of gloom and challenge my worldview. Why do You do that? On the surface You seem utterly capricious. But what I know of You says that you aren't sadistic like that. There is a reason. There is a purpose. You can see it. I cannot. I am just so disturbed inside. I am just so upset and upside-down and backwards. What is the meaning of all this? What is the Master Plan? It would seem that either doom or bliss would be preferable to this mediocre in between stuff. Right now all the unpreached portions of the Psalms seem totally appropriate. I can so relate to David right now. I am so ticked off that only profanity could give it proper expression. But I love Jesus so I won't talk that way. I'll just feel it. I'll just stew in it, marinate in it, wallow in it, soak it in. I just want to know just how You would do it. Or better, just how do You want me to respond? I don't want to miss Heaven for the world. I don't want to do anything or act in any way that is displeasing to You. I love You. I just don't know what to do with the hole that has been blown through my soul. I think about burn victims, how the sense of feeling makes it almost unbearable to feel either a slap or a caress until the skin has healed. I think that's how it is right now in my heart. Kind words make me wince just as much as harsh criticism. Silence would be preferable it seems. Silence would allow me to just fade out of existence and not bother anyone anymore. But You have broken my dome of silence, and it looks as though I am bound to live for You. I just need You to show me how.